there's paper in my vomit.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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