is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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