I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Can I color on your dick again?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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