dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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