You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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