I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
