I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
