I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
