apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
