life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
