Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Holy sore nipples Batman
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
