JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
