Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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