im drinking this country out of the recession.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
