I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
