there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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