her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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