I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
