I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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