Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
