just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
