I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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