okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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