how can u be prego again
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Randomize
