you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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