I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i came on her dog
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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