The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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