I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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