A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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