I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
