Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
