just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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