So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just want to make out with him forever
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Randomize
