i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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