Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
