it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize