If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
