I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
