If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm both gender and math confused
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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