So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
