Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Randomize