Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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