Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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