How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
