His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
