My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
