Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
