Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Sorry my hands just texted you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
