you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
How external is "for external use only"?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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