...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
