She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
