Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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