Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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