I seem to have left my pride at pride
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
