Rock
Scissors
Fuck
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
