omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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