It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
