I want to walk on stilts...naked
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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