apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
