i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
where are you?
Hypothermia
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Randomize
