when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
