I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
this is an emotional support booty call
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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