My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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