He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
