i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
