Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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