when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
