wakey wakey hands off snakey
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
