is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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