Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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