There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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